well i loved you back then, but don't recognize you now

Dear second body,
I've been jotting these letters down for a year,
and i don't feel better yet.
the more I soul search for answers I know I WONT.
One day I'll wake up from my haze, be less jaded
and my skin will start growing back.
until then i'll continue to be a skeleton with
have a heart being afraid of my life.


-the soulless geek.

twin surgery

Dear second body,

I think its time to do surgery.

Its time to cut our bonds because i feel like we're far to close

like your body is near mine and I can feel it.

I'd like to run away from you and I'm still learning how. 

I would like my legs back, and my heart most of all, our

arteries are too wrapped together, and you're giving me

palpitations. 

Sincerely always, the lost girl. 

Banga

1. Shes beautiful, 2. This songs beautiful and the marriage is perfect. When asked why she chose to cover it she said its cause she can sing in Neil's key.

So beautiful music aside, I've been thinking a lot about the future. I think if the future wasn't so scary I'd happily leave Never-land and grow up, I'd yank my head out of the sand and fight for something. Me and one of my favorite people were talking about future houses and it seems so far away. its very disheartening.

 

I'm always a little amazed by my life. 

and the confusion it brings me

mood. SICK

Feeling the itch to run away and join the circus as my life runs in circles.

Dizzy

ps. sick.

Something about the rain

Theres something about how it rains that brings me to a artistic, coffee drinking, against me listening, dark feeling place. Its very familiar but it also makes my skin crawl and feel like its going to fall off a little.

Its like I'm dealing with two different bodies that are next to each other.

O WELL. I figure there's worse things in life.

Lost

Dear second body.
I thought I heard your voice today and that gave me heavy boots, we are getting really near that june day again. I hate that june day more and more every year.

-me

Dear Second Body,
I was thinking today about how if we lived in eternal sunshine and you erased me and i erased you and we were back together but then found out how we hated each other, you'd still be hurt and leave. Then I'd be hurt again and have to go through my life trying to put the pieces back together. Just like now. I'm still putting the pieces back together.
-the puzzle.

say yes

running

my mind is running to the last time i expierienced this. this feeling of being unwanted. Last time i drew for days and only ate twix bars and drank coffee. i sat on the floor of my room and drew robot after robot. I only left my room to see james. He was the only thing that made me think there was a end to my madness. Now what. There is no end. no solace. no art to turn out. no me to find. all i want is my man back, no one wants me to have him. he's bad for me they say. but maybe i like whats bad for me. a little heroine in my life. i realized the only thing i wanted was for him to tell me i'd be ok again. to wake up from my little nightmare and find me and him cuddling. I dont like this cold harsh reality that ive come to call my home. i went from having a loving relationship and a house to two back packs and a duffle bag. eventually i'll need to find a real place thats mine.

finding balance

Since a certain day in february i've been looking for balance between the chaotic and the normal. Just when i thought i was doing better life returned to say i wasnt. When i thought the normalcy had infact returned the universe took it away. The term "ugly thursday" redifined itself recently when after a regular thursday my night turned nuclear as i recieved a phone call that my grandfather had collapsed in his home and wasn't breathing. Plus to make things worse, i blew up a bridge between me and my ex a person who i hoped i'd remain friends with. Last weekend we laid gramps to rest and now we're all just struggling to find a balance between what we use to think was a normal life and a life without the foundation of our family.

Dear Second Body, i see you in my dreams

Dear Second Body,
The other night you visited my dreams. It was the kind of dream where i went to sleep and i woke up in the middle but when I went back to sleep you were still there like you wanted to be. You told me how much you missed me and that you were tired of keeping us a secret. Then we went to comic con. I feel you the closest you've been. I smile pained smiles about the walrus clause and the ghost i bought for you but could never send.

.... sincerely the lost girl.

I want my life to make more sense to me.

Heavy Boots

Because a day doesn't go by that this isn't on my mind.

Dear Second Body. 

Today i have very heavy boots. This is the very first public letter. I want to try this and see how i feel. Instead of slight notes on scratch paper I'm trying this. I can't shake the panicky feeling that we use to talk through. I feel lost lately like I have no vision of the future. I miss that. I miss being so sure of myself. I wonder if your as sure of yourself any more. Either way. I'm glad i did this.

xo the body

A safe place

My life is a series of letters to myself. A pile of notes. At the end of diary misty marie kleinman reads a note that says if your in jail we've failed again. Does anyone feel this way? Like we are living the same life twice and that we've gotten the note that said go back, try again next time. Do not pass go do not collect 200 dollars. I was reading my myspace blog today and i thought it was a safe place for us. for all of us lost broken kids. We could start there and scream, or project what was making us hurt. Between the good and the bad things i've lost my voice. My photos are in my oppion a strong voice but nothing like me standing here stripped down in front of my computer. Im searching for my voice again. This blog unlike the ut blog is the truth, this is not buisness this is my voice. this is the strength im searching for.